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  • William Shakespeare: Twelfth Night, Act I, Scene III

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Scene IIIOlivia’s houseEnter Sir Toby Belch and MariaSir Toby BelchWhat a plague means my niece, to take the death of her brother thus? I am sure care’s an enemy to life.MariaBy my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o’ nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions to your ill hours.Sir Toby BelchWhy, let her except, before excepted.MariaAy, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits of order.Sir Toby BelchConfine! I’ll confine myself no finer than I am: these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be these boots too: an they be not, let them hang themselves in their own straps.MariaThat quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.Sir Toby BelchWho, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?MariaAy, he.Sir Toby BelchHe’s as tall a man as any’s in Illyria.MariaWhat’s that to the purpose?Sir Toby BelchWhy, he has three thousand ducats a year.MariaAy, but he’ll have but a year in all these ducats: he’s a very fool and a prodigal.Sir Toby BelchFie, that you’ll say so! he plays o’ the viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages word for word without book, and hath all the good gifts of nature.MariaHe hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that he’s a fool, he’s a great quarreller: and but that he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarrelling, ’tis thought among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of a grave.Sir Toby BelchBy this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors that say so of him. Who are they?MariaThey that add, moreover, he’s drunk nightly in your company.Sir Toby BelchWith drinking healths to my niece: I’ll drink to her as long as there is a passage in my throat and drink in Illyria: he’s a coward and a coystrill that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn o’ the toe like a parish-top. What, wench! Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.Enter Sir AndrewSir AndrewSir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!Sir Toby BelchSweet Sir Andrew!Sir AndrewBless you, fair shrew.MariaAnd you too, sir.Sir Toby BelchAccost, Sir Andrew, accost.Sir AndrewWhat’s that?Sir Toby BelchMy niece’s chambermaid.Sir AndrewGood Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.MariaMy name is Mary, sir.Sir AndrewGood Mistress Mary Accost,—Sir Toby BelchYou mistake, knight; ‘accost’ is front her, board her, woo her, assail her.Sir AndrewBy my troth, I would not undertake her in this company. Is that the meaning of ‘accost’?MariaFare you well, gentlemen.Sir Toby BelchAn thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never draw sword again.Sir AndrewAn you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?MariaSir, I have not you by the hand.Sir AndrewMarry, but you shall have; and here’s my hand.MariaNow, sir, ’thought is free:’ I pray you, bring your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.Sir AndrewWherefore, sweet-heart? what’s your metaphor?MariaIt’s dry, sir.Sir AndrewWhy, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can keep my hand dry. But what’s your jest?MariaA dry jest, sir.Sir AndrewAre you full of them?MariaAy, sir, I have them at my fingers’ ends: marry, now I let go your hand, I am barren.ExitSir Toby BelchO knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I see thee so put down?Sir AndrewNever in your life, I think; unless you see canary put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.Sir Toby BelchNo question.Sir AndrewAn I thought that, I’ld forswear it. I’ll ride home to-morrow, Sir Toby.Sir Toby BelchPourquoi, my dear knight?Sir AndrewWhat is ‘Pourquoi’? do or not do? I would I had bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but followed the arts!Sir Toby BelchThen hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.Sir AndrewWhy, would that have mended my hair?Sir Toby BelchPast question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.Sir AndrewBut it becomes me well enough, does’t not?Sir Toby BelchExcellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs and spin it off.Sir AndrewFaith, I’ll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece will not be seen; or if she be, it’s four to one she’ll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.Sir Toby BelchShe’ll none o’ the count: she’ll not match above her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I have heard her swear’t. Tut, there’s life in’t, man.Sir AndrewI’ll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o’ the strangest mind i’ the world; I delight in masques and revels sometimes altogether.Sir Toby BelchArt thou good at these kickshawses, knight?Sir AndrewAs any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare with an old man.Sir Toby BelchWhat is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?Sir AndrewFaith, I can cut a caper.Sir Toby BelchAnd I can cut the mutton to’t.Sir AndrewAnd I think I have the back-trick simply as strong as any man in Illyria.Sir Toby BelchWherefore are these things hid? wherefore have these gifts a curtain before ’em? are they like to take dust, like Mistress Mall’s picture? why dost thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.Sir AndrewAy, ’tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?Sir Toby BelchWhat shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?Sir AndrewTaurus! That’s sides and heart.Sir Toby BelchNo, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!Exeunt

William Shakespeare: Twelfth Night, Act I

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William Shakespeare: Twelfth Night, Act III, Scene IV

  • William Shakespeare: Twelfth Night, Act III, Scene IV

TrendingHere are the facts and trivia that people are buzzing about.

Did Birds Evolve from Dinosaurs?

The Twelve Dancing Princesses

Current Events This Week: January 2023

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Andersen’s Fairy Tales: Contents

The Celtic Twilight: A Teller of Tales

TrendingHere are the facts and trivia that people are buzzing about.

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Current Events This Week: January 2023

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Andersen’s Fairy Tales: Contents

The Celtic Twilight: A Teller of Tales

  • Did Birds Evolve from Dinosaurs?
  • The Twelve Dancing Princesses
  • Current Events This Week: January 2023
  • African Americans by the Numbers
  • Andersen’s Fairy Tales: Contents
  • The Celtic Twilight: A Teller of Tales