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  • William Shakespeare: Troilus and Cressida, Act V

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Act VScene IThe Grecian camp. Before Achilles’ tentEnter Achilles and PatroclusAchillesI’ll heat his blood with Greekish wine to-night, Which with my scimitar I’ll cool to-morrow. Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.PatroclusHere comes Thersites.Enter ThersitesAchillesHow now, thou core of envy! Thou crusty batch of nature, what’s the news?ThersitesWhy, thou picture of what thou seemest, and idol of idiot worshippers, here’s a letter for thee.AchillesFrom whence, fragment?ThersitesWhy, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.PatroclusWho keeps the tent now?ThersitesThe surgeon’s box, or the patient’s wound.PatroclusWell said, adversity! and what need these tricks?ThersitesPrithee, be silent, boy; I profit not by thy talk: thou art thought to be Achilles’ male varlet.PatroclusMale varlet, you rogue! what’s that?ThersitesWhy, his masculine whore. Now, the rotten diseases of the south, the guts-griping, ruptures, catarrhs, loads o’ gravel i’ the back, lethargies, cold palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten livers, wheezing lungs, bladders full of imposthume, sciaticas, limekilns i’ the palm, incurable bone-ache, and the rivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take and take again such preposterous discoveries!PatroclusWhy thou damnable box of envy, thou, what meanest thou to curse thus?ThersitesDo I curse thee?PatroclusWhy no, you ruinous butt, you whoreson indistinguishable cur, no.ThersitesNo! why art thou then exasperate, thou idle immaterial skein of sleave-silk, thou green sarcenet flap for a sore eye, thou tassel of a prodigal’s purse, thou? Ah, how the poor world is pestered with such waterflies, diminutives of nature!PatroclusOut, gall!ThersitesFinch-egg!AchillesMy sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite From my great purpose in to-morrow’s battle. Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba, A token from her daughter, my fair love, Both taxing me and gaging me to keep An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it: Fall Greeks; fail fame; honour or go or stay; My major vow lies here, this I’ll obey. Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent: This night in banqueting must all be spent. Away, Patroclus!Exeunt Achilles and PatroclusThersitesWith too much blood and too little brain, these two may run mad; but, if with too much brain and too little blood they do, I’ll be a curer of madmen. Here’s Agamemnon, an honest fellow enough and one that loves quails; but he has not so much brain as earwax: and the goodly transformation of Jupiter there, his brother, the bull,—the primitive statue, and oblique memorial of cuckolds; a thrifty shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his brother’s leg,—to what form but that he is, should wit larded with malice and malice forced with wit turn him to? To an ass, were nothing; he is both ass and ox: to an ox, were nothing; he is both ox and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a lizard, an owl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I would not care; but to be Menelaus, I would conspire against destiny. Ask me not, what I would be, if I were not Thersites; for I care not to be the louse of a lazar, so I were not Menelaus! Hey-day! spirits and fires!Enter Hector, Troilus, Ajax, Agamemnon, Ulysses, Nestor, Menelaus, and Diomedes, with lightsAgamemnonWe go wrong, we go wrong.AjaxNo, yonder ’tis; There, where we see the lights.HectorI trouble you.AjaxNo, not a whit.UlyssesHere comes himself to guide you.Re-enter AchillesAchillesWelcome, brave Hector; welcome, princes all.AgamemnonSo now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night. Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.HectorThanks and good night to the Greeks’ general.MenelausGood night, my lord.HectorGood night, sweet lord Menelaus.ThersitesSweet draught: ‘sweet’ quoth ‘a! sweet sink, sweet sewer.AchillesGood night and welcome, both at once, to those That go or tarry.AgamemnonGood night.Exeunt Agamemnon and MenelausAchillesOld Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed, Keep Hector company an hour or two.DiomedesI cannot, lord; I have important business, The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.HectorGive me your hand.UlyssesAside to TroilusFollow his torch; he goes to Calchas’ tent: I’ll keep you company.TroilusSweet sir, you honour me.HectorAnd so, good night.Exit Diomedes; Ulysses and Troilus followingAchillesCome, come, enter my tent.Exeunt Achilles, Hector, Ajax, and NestorThersitesThat same Diomed’s a false-hearted rogue, a most unjust knave; I will no more trust him when he leers than I will a serpent when he hisses: he will spend his mouth, and promise, like Brabbler the hound: but when he performs, astronomers foretell it; it is prodigious, there will come some change; the sun borrows of the moon, when Diomed keeps his word. I will rather leave to see Hector, than not to dog him: they say he keeps a Trojan drab, and uses the traitor Calchas’ tent: I’ll after. Nothing but lechery! all incontinent varlets!Exit

Brewer’s: Troilus and Cressida

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William Shakespeare: Troilus and Cressida, Act III, Scene III

  • William Shakespeare: Troilus and Cressida, Act III, Scene III

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TrendingHere are the facts and trivia that people are buzzing about.

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  • Did Birds Evolve from Dinosaurs?
  • The Twelve Dancing Princesses
  • Current Events This Week: January 2023
  • African Americans by the Numbers
  • Andersen’s Fairy Tales: Contents
  • The Celtic Twilight: A Teller of Tales