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  • William Shakespeare: Troilus and Cressida, Act II

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Act IIScene IA part of the Grecian campEnter Ajax and ThersitesAjaxThersites!ThersitesAgamemnon, how if he had boils? full, all over, generally?AjaxThersites!ThersitesAnd those boils did run? say so: did not the general run then? were not that a botchy core?AjaxDog!ThersitesThen would come some matter from him; I see none now.AjaxThou bitch-wolf’s son, canst thou not hear?Beating himFeel, then.ThersitesThe plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel beef-witted lord!AjaxSpeak then, thou vinewedst leaven, speak: I will beat thee into handsomeness.ThersitesI shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness: but, I think, thy horse will sooner con an oration than thou learn a prayer without book. Thou canst strike, canst thou? a red murrain o’ thy jade’s tricks!AjaxToadstool, learn me the proclamation.ThersitesDost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus?AjaxThe proclamation!ThersitesThou art proclaimed a fool, I think.AjaxDo not, porpentine, do not: my fingers itch.ThersitesI would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had the scratching of thee; I would make thee the loathsomest scab in Greece. When thou art forth in the incursions, thou strikest as slow as another.AjaxI say, the proclamation!ThersitesThou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles, and thou art as full of envy at his greatness as Cerberus is at Proserpine’s beauty, ay, that thou barkest at him.AjaxMistress Thersites!ThersitesThou shouldest strike him.AjaxCobloaf!ThersitesHe would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a sailor breaks a biscuit.AjaxBeating himYou whoreson cur!ThersitesDo, do.AjaxThou stool for a witch!ThersitesAy, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows; an assinego may tutor thee: thou scurvy-valiant ass! thou art here but to thrash Trojans; and thou art bought and sold among those of any wit, like a barbarian slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel, and tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no bowels, thou!AjaxYou dog!ThersitesYou scurvy lord!AjaxBeating himYou cur!ThersitesMars his idiot! do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do.Enter Achilles and PatroclusAchillesWhy, how now, Ajax! wherefore do you thus? How now, Thersites! what’s the matter, man?ThersitesYou see him there, do you?AchillesAy; what’s the matter?ThersitesNay, look upon him.AchillesSo I do: what’s the matter?ThersitesNay, but regard him well.Achilles’Well!’ why, I do so.ThersitesBut yet you look not well upon him; for whosoever you take him to be, he is Ajax.AchillesI know that, fool.ThersitesAy, but that fool knows not himself.AjaxTherefore I beat thee.ThersitesLo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! his evasions have ears thus long. I have bobbed his brain more than he has beat my bones: I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia mater is not worth the nineth part of a sparrow. This lord, Achilles, Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly and his guts in his head, I’ll tell you what I say of him.AchillesWhat?ThersitesI say, this Ajax—Ajax offers to beat himAchillesNay, good Ajax.ThersitesHas not so much wit—AchillesNay, I must hold you.ThersitesAs will stop the eye of Helen’s needle, for whom he comes to fight.AchillesPeace, fool!ThersitesI would have peace and quietness, but the fool will not: he there: that he: look you there.AjaxO thou damned cur! I shall—AchillesWill you set your wit to a fool’s?ThersitesNo, I warrant you; for a fools will shame it.PatroclusGood words, Thersites.AchillesWhat’s the quarrel?AjaxI bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the proclamation, and he rails upon me.ThersitesI serve thee not.AjaxWell, go to, go to.ThersitesI serve here voluntarily.AchillesYour last service was sufferance, ’twas not voluntary: no man is beaten voluntary: Ajax was here the voluntary, and you as under an impress.ThersitesE’en so; a great deal of your wit, too, lies in your sinews, or else there be liars. Hector have a great catch, if he knock out either of your brains: a’ were as good crack a fusty nut with no kernel.AchillesWhat, with me too, Thersites?ThersitesThere’s Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was mouldy ere your grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke you like draught-oxen and make you plough up the wars.AchillesWhat, what?ThersitesYes, good sooth: to, Achilles! to, Ajax! to!AjaxI shall cut out your tongue.Thersites’Tis no matter! I shall speak as much as thou afterwards.PatroclusNo more words, Thersites; peace!ThersitesI will hold my peace when Achilles’ brach bids me, shall I?AchillesThere’s for you, Patroclus.ThersitesI will see you hanged, like clotpoles, ere I come any more to your tents: I will keep where there is wit stirring and leave the faction of fools.ExitPatroclusA good riddance.AchillesMarry, this, sir, is proclaim’d through all our host: That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun, Will with a trumpet ’twixt our tents and Troy To-morrow morning call some knight to arms That hath a stomach; and such a one that dare Maintain—I know not what: ’tis trash. Farewell.AjaxFarewell. Who shall answer him?AchillesI know not: ’tis put to lottery; otherwise He knew his man.AjaxO, meaning you. I will go learn more of it.Exeunt

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William Shakespeare: Troilus and Cressida, Act II, Scene III

  • William Shakespeare: Troilus and Cressida, Act II, Scene III

TrendingHere are the facts and trivia that people are buzzing about.

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TrendingHere are the facts and trivia that people are buzzing about.

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Andersen’s Fairy Tales: Contents

The Celtic Twilight: A Teller of Tales

  • Did Birds Evolve from Dinosaurs?
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  • Current Events This Week: January 2023
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  • The Celtic Twilight: A Teller of Tales