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  • William Shakespeare: Merry Wives of Windsor, Act III, Scene III

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Scene IIIA room in Ford’s houseEnter Mistress Ford and Mistress PageMistress FordWhat, John! What, Robert!Mistress PageQuickly, quickly! is the buck-basket—Mistress FordI warrant. What, Robin, I say!Enter Servants with a basketMistress PageCome, come, come.Mistress FordHere, set it down.Mistress PageGive your men the charge; we must be brief.Mistress FordMarry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be ready here hard by in the brew-house: and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause or staggering take this basket on your shoulders: that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.Mistress PageYou will do it?Mistress FordI ha’ told them over and over; they lack no direction. Be gone, and come when you are called.Exeunt ServantsMistress PageHere comes little Robin.Enter RobinMistress FordHow now, my eyas-musket! what news with you?RobinMy master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door, Mistress Ford, and requests your company.Mistress PageYou little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?RobinAy, I’ll be sworn. My master knows not of your being here and hath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for he swears he’ll turn me away.Mistress PageThou’rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doublet and hose. I’ll go hide me.Mistress FordDo so. Go tell thy master I am alone.Exit RobinMistress Page, remember you your cue.Mistress PageI warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.ExitMistress FordGo to, then: we’ll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watery pumpion; we’ll teach him to know turtles from jays.Enter FalstaffFalstaffHave I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!Mistress FordO sweet Sir John!FalstaffMistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would thy husband were dead: I’ll speak it before the best lord; I would make thee my lady.Mistress FordI your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady!FalstaffLet the court of France show me such another. I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance.Mistress FordA plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothing else; nor that well neither.FalstaffBy the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thou wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.Mistress FordBelieve me, there is no such thing in me.FalstaffWhat made me love thee? let that persuade thee there’s something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a many of these lisping hawthorn-buds, that come like women in men’s apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury in simple time; I cannot: but I love thee; none but thee; and thou deservest it.Mistress FordDo not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.FalstaffThou mightst as well say I love to walk by the Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln.Mistress FordWell, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one day find it.FalstaffKeep in that mind; I’ll deserve it.Mistress FordNay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not be in that mind.RobinWithinMistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here’s Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.FalstaffShe shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind the arras.Mistress FordPray you, do so: she’s a very tattling woman. [Falstaff hides himself] Re-enter Mistress Page and RobinWhat’s the matter? how now!Mistress PageO Mistress Ford, what have you done? You’re shamed, you’re overthrown, you’re undone for ever!Mistress FordWhat’s the matter, good Mistress Page?Mistress PageO well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!Mistress FordWhat cause of suspicion?Mistress PageWhat cause of suspicion! Out pon you! how am I mistook in you!Mistress FordWhy, alas, what’s the matter?Mistress PageYour husband’s coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his assence: you are undone.Mistress Ford’Tis not so, I hope.Mistress PagePray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man here! but ’tis most certain your husband’s coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here convey, convey him out. Be not amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.Mistress FordWhat shall I do? There is a gentleman my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the house.Mistress PageFor shame! never stand ‘you had rather’ and ‘you had rather:’ your husband’s here at hand, bethink you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking: or—it is whiting-time —send him by your two men to Datchet-mead.Mistress FordHe’s too big to go in there. What shall I do?FalstaffComing forwardLet me see’t, let me see’t, O, let me see’t! I’ll in, I’ll in. Follow your friend’s counsel. I’ll in.Mistress PageWhat, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight?FalstaffI love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here. I’ll never—Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linenMistress PageHelp to cover your master, boy. Call your men, Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!Mistress FordWhat, John! Robert! John! [Exit Robin] Re-enter ServantsGo take up these clothes here quickly. Where’s the cowl-staff? look, how you drumble! Carry them to the laundress in Datchet-meat; quickly, come.Enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh EvansFordPray you, come near: if I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest; I deserve it. How now! whither bear you this?ServantTo the laundress, forsooth.Mistress FordWhy, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing.FordBuck! I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck; and of the season too, it shall appear.Exeunt Servants with the basketGentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I’ll tell you my dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my chambers; search, seek, find out: I’ll warrant we’ll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first.Locking the doorSo, now uncape.PageGood Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much.FordTrue, Master Page. Up, gentlemen: you shall see sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.ExitSir Hugh EvansThis is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.Doctor CaiusBy gar, ’tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous in France.PageNay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.Exeunt Page, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh EvansMistress PageIs there not a double excellency in this?Mistress FordI know not which pleases me better, that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.Mistress PageWhat a taking was he in when your husband asked who was in the basket!Mistress FordI am half afraid he will have need of washing; so throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.Mistress PageHang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same strain were in the same distress.Mistress FordI think my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaff’s being here; for I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now.Mistress PageI will lay a plot to try that; and we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine.Mistress FordShall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water; and give him another hope, to betray him to another punishment?Mistress PageWe will do it: let him be sent for to-morrow, eight o’clock, to have amends.Re-enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh EvansFordI cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that he could not compass.Mistress PageAside to Mistress FordHeard you that?Mistress FordYou use me well, Master Ford, do you?FordAy, I do so.Mistress FordHeaven make you better than your thoughts!FordAmen!Mistress PageYou do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.FordAy, ay; I must bear it.Sir Hugh EvansIf there be any pody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!Doctor CaiusBy gar, nor I too: there is no bodies.PageFie, fie, Master Ford! are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not ha’ your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor Castle.Ford’Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it.Sir Hugh EvansYou suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as honest a ‘omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too.Doctor CaiusBy gar, I see ’tis an honest woman.FordWell, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in the Park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter make known to you why I have done this. Come, wife; come, Mistress Page. I pray you, pardon me; pray heartily, pardon me.PageLet’s go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we’ll mock him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house to breakfast: after, we’ll a-birding together; I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?FordAny thing.Sir Hugh EvansIf there is one, I shall make two in the company.Doctor CaiusIf dere be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.FordPray you, go, Master Page.Sir Hugh EvansI pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy knave, mine host.Doctor CaiusDat is good; by gar, with all my heart!Sir Hugh EvansA lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!Exeunt

William Shakespeare: Merry Wives of Windsor, Act III

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William Shakespeare: Merry Wives of Windsor, Act IV, Scene II

  • William Shakespeare: Merry Wives of Windsor, Act IV, Scene II

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  • Did Birds Evolve from Dinosaurs?
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